Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
so much to do
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
A Match(.com), but for socks.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
🍞🦆
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?