“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
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DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.