The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
You wish you had this many chins.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.