I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
#Caturday
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off