oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4