HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
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wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello