kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
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You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
got so much cardio in today
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward