This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
me doing my best
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.