My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
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If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.