Born to be mild.
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Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Boy never ceases to amaze me
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*