“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them