knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
we’re gonna need another temp
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.