Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
That time Alicia messaged me
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back