My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
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If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
This a good idea
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid