6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
You Might Also Like
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
why no one uses midhusbands
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero