FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
You Might Also Like
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.