[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
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Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.