Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
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*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.