when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.