This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Single and childfree like Jesus
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash