me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
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Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
there has never been a better use of this meme
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.