I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
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When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.