A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
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*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no