[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
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We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
💁🏻♂️
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.