In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
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You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Twitter is an abusement park.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?