Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Xylophonist Shredding It
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
When someone trying to leave me
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.