Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot