I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
You Might Also Like
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”