If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.