It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
#ParentingFacts