shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry