If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
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[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.