blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
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I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?