Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
You Might Also Like
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.