“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
“i am a sweet baby”
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”