You Might Also Like
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Money is the root of all wealth