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dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Peter Parker Peter Driver
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole