I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
uh oh
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.