Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
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Sorry. Not sorry
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
much to think about
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what