“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
You Might Also Like
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
#math
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
a badder mouse
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.