Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
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People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.