Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Bread puns are on the rise!
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.