*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Black Friday “markdowns” like
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though