If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.