Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?