The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
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You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!