Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
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[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?