I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Yup
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.