WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Human are so complicated
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.