CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
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When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
BRAKING NEWS!!
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.